Keep Your Children Safe!

Cherokee County Foster and Adoptive Parent Association

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The information contained in this article is intended for all parents. Even though the scenarios are for biological parents and their children, we as foster parents can learn from this because some of us have children of our own and can also teach the children who come into our home. The information in this article is very informative and straight forward.

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A Danger that concerns every Parent

Sexual abuse is a daunting issue. Indeed, some parents feel over whelmed when they contemplate the sheer wickedness of the people who seek out children to abuse them sexually. However, is this problem too much for parents to handle? Or are there some practical steps that parents can take to keep their children safe? The following information will address these questions.

How to protect your child

Few of us want to dwell on the subject of sexual abuse of children. Such abuse, however, is a frightening and unpleasant reality in today’s world, and its effects on children can be devastating. Being informed and having knowledge can really make a difference.

You have power that your child does not have – strengths that it will take years, even decades, for your child to gain. Because we are older and more knowledgeable, experienced and have wisdom we can enhance our strengths and put them to use in protecting your child.

There are 3 basic steps that every parent can take. They are as follows:

Become your child’s first line of defense against abuse.
Give your child some needed background education
Equip your child with some basic protective tools.

Are you the first line of defense?

The primary responsibility for protecting children against abuse belongs to parents, not to children. So educating parents comes before educating children. If you are a parent, there are a few things you need to know about child abuse. You need to know who abuse children and how they go about it. Parents often think of molesters as strangers who lurk in the shadows, seeking ways to kidnap and rape children. Such molesters certainly do exist. The news media bring them to our attention very often. However, they are relatively rare. In about 90 percent of the cases of sexual abuse of a child, the perpetrator is someone the child already knows and trusts.

Naturally, you do not want to believe that an affable neighbor, teacher, health-care worker, coach or relative could lust after your child. In truth, most people are not like that. There is no need to become suspicious of everybody around you. Still, you can protect your child by learning how the typical abuser operates. *footnote

Knowing such tactics can make you better prepared to act as the first line of defense. For instance, if someone who appears more interested in children than in adults, singles out your child for special attention and gifts or offers free babysitting or private excursions with your child, what will you do? Decide that the person must be a molester? NO. Do not be quick to jump to conclusions. Such behavior may be quite innocent. Nonetheless, it can put you on the alert.

Remember, any offer that sounds too good to be true may be just that. Carefully screen anyone who volunteers to spend time alone with your child. Let such as individual know that you are likely to check on your child at any time. It’s better to be safe then sorry.

Be actively involved in your child’s activities, friendships and schoolwork. Learn all the details about any planned excursion. One mental-health professional who spent 33 years working with cases of sexual abuse notes that he has seen countless cases that could have been prevented by simple vigilance on the parent’s part. He quotes one convicted molester as saying: “Parents literally give us their children… They sure made it easy for me.” Remember, most molesters prefer easy targets. Parents who are actively involved in their children’s lives make their children difficult targets.

Another way to act as your child’s first line of defense is to be a good listener. Children will rarely disclose abuse directly; they are too ashamed and worried about the reaction. So listen carefully, even for subtle clues.**footnote

If your child says something that concerns you, calmly use questions to draw him out. If the child says that he/she does not want a certain babysitter to come back, ask why? If child says that an adult plays funny games with him, ask him: What kind of game? What does he do? If the child complains that someone tickled him, ask him, “Where did he tickle you?” Do not be quick to dismiss a child’s answers. Abusers tell a child that no one will believe him; all too often, that is true. And if a child has been abused, being believed and supported by a parent is a big step toward recovery.

Give Your Child Background Education

One reference work on the subject of child abuse quotes a convicted molester as saying: “Give me a kid who knows nothing about sex, and you’ve given me my next victim.” Those chilling words are a useful reminder to parents. Children who are ignorant about sex are much easier for molesters to fool. The second basic step in protecting your child, do not hold back from teaching him about this important subject.

How, though, do you go about it? More than a few parents find the subject of sex a bit awkward to discuss with children. Your child may find the subject even more awkward, and he is not likely to bring it up with you. So take the initiative. One way is to start early, with naming the body parts. Use real words, not baby words, to show them that there is nothing funny or shameful about any part of their body. Instruction about abuse follows naturally. Many parents simply tell their children that the parts of their body that a bathing suit covers are private and special.

An example of how you may approach a young boy is by telling him that his penis is private, personal, and not a toy. It’s not for anyone to play with – not for Mommy, not for Daddy, not even for a doctor. When you take him to the Doctor, explain to him that he’s only going to make sure everything is OK, and that’s why he may touch there. Both parents take part in these little talks from time to time, and they assure the child that he can always come to them and tell them if anyone touches them in a way that’s wrong or makes him feel uncomfortable. Experts in child care and abuse prevention recommend that all parents have similar talks with their children.

In today’s world children need to know that there are some people who want to touch children or get children to touch them in ways that are wrong. These warnings need not fill children with fear or make them distrust all adults. It should be considered a Safety Message, and it’s one message among many others, most of them having nothing to do with abuse. It should not make your child fearful at all if done in the right manner.

Your child’s education should include a balanced view of obedience. Teaching a child to obey is an important and difficult lesson. However, such lessons can go too far. If a child is taught that he must always obey any adult, regardless of the circumstances, he is vulnerable to abuse. Molesters are quick to notice when children are overly compliant. Wise parents teach their children that obedience is relative.

Finally, let your child know that no one should ask him to keep a secret from you. Tell the child that if anyone asks him to keep any kind of secret from you, he should always come and let you know. No matter what he is told – even if scary threats are made or he had done something wrong himself – it is always OK to come to Mommy or Daddy and tell them all about it. Such instruction need not scare your child. You can reassure him that most people would never do such things – touch him where they shouldn’t or ask him to keep a secret. Like a planned escape route in case of fire, these are just-in-case messages and will probably never be needed.

Equip Your Child with Some Basic Protective Tools

The third step is to give your child some simple actions to take in case someone tries to take advantage of him when you are not there. One method that is often recommended is like a game. Parents ask “What if…?” and the child answers. You might say, “What if we were at the store together and we got separated? How would you find me?” The child’s answer may not be exactly what you would hope for, but you can guide him along with further questions, such as “Can you think of anything you could do that would be safer?”

You can use similar questions to ask a child what the safest response would be if someone tried to touch him in a wrong way. If the child is easily alarmed by such questions, you might try telling a story about another child. For example: “A little girl is with a relative she likes, but then he tries to touch her where he shouldn’t. What do you think she should do to stay safe?”

What should you teach you child to do in situations like the one above? A firm ‘No!’ or ‘Don’t do that!’ or ‘Leave me alone!’ does wonders to frighten the seductive offender into retreat and into rethinking his or her choice of victim. Help your child act out brief scenarios so that he feels confident to refuse loudly, get away quickly, and report to you whatever has happened. A child who seems to understand the training thoroughly may easily forget it within a few weeks or months. So repeat this training regularly.

All the child’s direct caregivers, including the males – whether father, step-father, or other male relatives – should be part of these discussions. Why? Because all involved in such teaching are, in effect, promising the child that they will never commit such acts of abuse. Sadly, much sexual abuse occurs right within the confines of the family.

Today, many governments take a similar view, outlawing the sexual abuse of children within the family. Often, the law holds that a child who is subjected to sexual relations by an adult has been raped. Why use that strong word if physical force was not involved?

A child cannot understand the full meaning of sexual acts, nor can a child imagine the consequences that will follow over the years. Hence, it is widely agreed that children cannot give any meaningful consent to engage in sexual relations. In other words, if an adult (or significantly older youth) has relations with a child, the older person cannot excuse the act by saying that the child did not object or that the child asked for it. The adult is guilty of rape. This is a crime, often punishable by a prison sentence. The responsibility for the rape belongs with the rapist, not the unwilling victim.

Tips for A Safe Home

Internet:

If your children have access to the internet, they need instructions on how to use it safely. There are countless pornographic sites as well as chat rooms and other social networks where pedophiles seek out and seduce children. It is wise to keep the computer in an open area where parents can more easily monitor its use. Without parental supervision children should never give out personal information or arrange to see anyone they have met over the internet.

Alcoholic Beverages:

In many cases of sexual abuse of a child, alcohol has played a role. Experience shows that adults who overindulge tend to lower their inhibitions; some give in to desires they might otherwise have suppressed.

Privacy:

Every family member needs to understand the importance of privacy. As parents need privacy from their children at certain times, so they need to give children an appropriate measure of privacy as they mature.

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Footnotes:

*A Pattern of seduction

An abuser is likely to be too clever to use force on victims. Rather, he may prefer to seduce children gradually. He begins by selecting a target, often a child who seems vulnerable and trusting, thus relatively easy to control. Next, he singles out that child for special attention. He may also try to win the trust of the child’s parents. Molesters are often expert at pretending to be sincerely interested in the child and the family.

In time, the molester will begin grooming the child for abuse. He gradually becomes more physical with the child through innocent-looking displays of affection, playful wrestling, and tickling. He may give generous gifts and begin to separate the child from friends, siblings and parents in order to spend time alone with the child. At some point he may ask the child to keep some minor secret from the parents – perhaps a gift or plans for some future excursion. Such tactics set the stage for seduction. When the abuser has won the child’s trust and that of the parents, he is ready to make his move.

Again, he is likely to be subtle about it rather than violent or forceful. He may exploit the child’s natural curiosity about sex, offering to act as a “teacher,” or he may suggest that they play a “special game” together that only they will know about. He may try exposing the child to pornography in order to make sure behavior seem normal.

If he succeeds in molesting the child, he is now eager to ensure that the child does not tell anyone about it. He may use a variety of tactics, including threats, blackmail and blame, or perhaps a combination of these. For example, he may say: “It’s your fault. You didn’t tell me to stop.” He may add: “If you tell your parents, they’ll call the police and send me to jail forever.” Or he may say: “It’s our secret. If you tell, no one will believe you. If your parents ever do find out, I will hurt them.” There is no end to the devious and malicious tactics such individuals will try.

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**Experts note that many abused children give nonverbal clues that something is wrong. For example, if a child suddenly regresses to behavior he had outgrown some time earlier, such as bed-wetting, clinginess, or fear of being alone, he may be sending a signal that something serious is upsetting him. Such symptoms should not be taken as definite proof of abuse. Calmly draw out your child to learn the cause of the distress so that you can offer comfort, reassurance and protection.

Source: Awake